On Accomplishments

The other day I was running around with one of my good friends and we stopped by his old office. There were half-assembled tables, saw dust, and wood chips everywhere. The office would soon be turned into a "coffee bar," as they call it around here. I looked up on the wall and, written in cursive Tibetan script (ü mé; dbu med) was this phrase (rendered here in print Tibetan script (ü chen; dbu chen)):

སྒྲུབ་མ་སྒྲུབ་རང་ཡིན། འགྲུབ་མི་འགྲུབ་ལས་ཡིན།

I cannot read ü mé very well, so I had to ask my friend how to read it. He said to me "drup madrup rang yin, drup mindrup lé yin" (sgrub ma sgrub rang yin/ 'grub mi 'grub las yin/), which roughly means "whether or not you accomplish something is up to you, whether or not something is accomplished is up to karma." The concept of volition is very important in the Tibetan language. I tried to capture this nuance in the active/passive voice of my translation. It kind of reminds me of what my Dad would always say (quoting a priest named Father Quigley): "Do your best and then don't worry about it."

Although I could not conceive quite what these words mean, they did stay with me. They felt strangely appropriate in describing how I felt those days. As you may have notice from my last post, I have been trying to make a space for myself in this distant land. I've been staying with my girlfriend, at various hostels, but each time there was a sense of impermanence. I was always reluctant to unpack my bags because I knew that I would have to pack them again very soon. It is a hard feeling, or lack of feeling; to never really be at home. The closest it got was in Chengdu, when Jen and I were staying at our new place. Yet, I still had to leave.

This friend and I were both trying to accomplish somewhat complicated tasks which involved many people and many variables. He was trying to set up his new office (the one that the coffee bar had displaced) and I was trying to find a home here in Kangding. For the entire week that I have been here, whenever I would meet someone I would some how intimate that I need a place to stay. "If you know anybody with a room for rent, let me know." "Do you have time to help me find a room?" "How did he find his room?" I really was trying, but was not meeting much success on my own.

I eventually enlisted the help of the aforementioned friend. He took me to an information center, helped me talk to the portly woman who sat behind the desk, and looked at houses with me. Because I cannot speak Chinese very well, I really did need his help very much. The first attempt didn't go incredibly well. The houses were too big and too expensive. I considered renting one but then realized that I was really broke and could not come close to paying for the initial six months rent plus deposit which is standard in China. Back to the drawing board.

I then talked to another friend. He arranged for a meeting with a man who he called "the Big Boss." The Big Boss is a very successful Tibetan business man who owns a lot of property in Kangding, ranging from museums to restaurants to temples. We went to eat the restaurant which he owns and had a very nice evening. It was me, my friend, the Big Boss, and a Chinese woman who could not speak Tibetan. Thus, we were in a bit of an interesting linguistic situation. Here were two Tibetan men who could speak English decently, and Tibetan and Chinese fluently. Then there was me, a young American who can speak English fluently, Tibetan decently, and Chinese poorly. Finally, there was a young Chinese woman who could speak Chinese fluently, English poorly, and could not speak Tibetan at all.

As the night progressed, we switched languages, switched conversations, and switched rooms. We started in a comfortable meeting room, drank tea, and spoke mostly Tibetan (thus excluding the Chinese woman). We then moved to a dining room with an elaborate feast laid out for us. We turned the clear glass wheel in the center of the table and spoke mostly in Chinese (thus excluding/embarrassing me). Finally, after we had eaten our fill, we moved to the central restaurant and spoke mostly English (very slowly and clearly). The Big Boss related how lucky he is; he likes his work and can actualize his dreams. He said all of this came about due to wisdom and compassion. Buddhism is not just for monks, he said, but for everyone. He said that he used what he learned from Buddhism and treated all of his associates well and was able to succeed as a result. Other people are important, he said. I think of them as similar to my parents.

I then related how in the big city of Chengdu, I was kind of afraid to go out and meet people. I could not speak Chinese very well, and I didn't really know how to approach people. It was this ironic situation where I was living in the biggest city of my life but feeling relatively alone. I then related how important it was for me to be brave enough to approach people. How it is hard to survive without others, without society.

The evening ended pleasantly, but I was still without a house. I made subtle, but clear, hint that I needed housing, but the Big Boss did not respond. Thus, although the evening held great conversation and camaraderie, I was still a little stressed out about my housing situation. I was really doing my best to find a place, but could not find one anywhere.

A few days later my friend, the one who was setting up his new office, called me and said he wanted to look at the information center one more time. It was in the morning, I had just taken a hot bath, put on some brand new long underwear, and was feeling fresh. I went down to meet with him and the portly information center manager and we were on our way. She showed me a small, but well located and inexpensive room. I looked around and I knew it was the one. I was elated. We went back to the office to discuss monetary matters and I was told that, instead of the initial 6-months rent, I would need to pay one whole year for this place. My heart sank a little bit. I had just paid for my new visa and was essentially broke. I couldn't pay that much right now!

We left the situation open, with my interest clear, but payment ambiguous. I met with another friend for lunch, the one who had introduced me to the Big Boss, and he said somewhat out of the blue that he could lend me some money if I needed it. I was very happy to hear this. Today I met with both friends, the portly information center manager, the new landlord, and we worked everything out. I now have a place to live in this distant land.

I did my best to accomplish what I wanted; to find a place to stay. I talked to as many people as I could and thought about it quite a bit. Ultimately, however, it was not I that found the place, nor was it I that even paid for it (yet). I could not have found this sanctuary in a land of difficulties without the help of the portly information center manager, the landlord, and especially my two good friends.